Real or Fantasy

Are you real? or just a fantasy?
Do you mean what you promise? or do you toy with me?
Am I safe? or just being a fool?
Are you worth the risk? or should I just play it cool?
Is it love? or is it lust that you really feel?
Should I run away? or take a chance that this is real?

Suddenly by Chance

A chance meeting . . .
A marathon talk . . .
Leads to love everlasting
between two lonely souls.
Two hearts now suddenly beat as one.

The Day He Died

Safety fled the day he died.
I thought for sure the world would cease turning;
that the sun would never shine again.
I feel so alone, without protection.
I am vunerable now more than ever without him here.
Not a day passes that I don't miss him.

RIP my sweet Daddy

I Desire That Which I Cannot Have

I desire that which I cannot have.
I want someone to hold my hand,
           someone to listen when I speak,
           someone with whom I won't compete,
           someone who needs me,
           someone to care,
           someone to love me as I am.
I dream; I hope; I wish; I pray; I plead, but
I desire that which I cannot have.

Is Anyone Out There???

I walk alone through a crowd unnoticed,
as if i was invisible.
No one speaks. No one smiles or even looks at me.
Do I even exist???

I speak, but go unheard.
I scream, but no one turns.
I cry, but no one comforts me.
Does anyone even notice or care???
Is there anyone out there???

untitled

She lives, now in a world of darkness and silence.
Once so proud and brave,
Now lost and lonely.
Once safe and secure,
Now afraid she is forgotten.

Completion

The completion of me is found in you.
My soul mate, my twin soul.
You know my thoughts.
You speak my words.
I know your thoughts.
I speak your words.
The completion of you is found in me.

5 Senses of my Love

The look in your eyes,
The sound of your voice,
The smell that is only yours,
The touch of your hand holding mine, and
The taste of your kiss are the five senses of my love for you.

Joplin, One Month Later (written June 20, 2011)

Choices

Our lives are made up of a series of choices, either good or bad, made by us and/or others for us. Each choice has a consequence, also either good or bad. What we choose to do with those consequences shape the person we become. Just as words spoken to and over us shape the person we are and will become.

Each day is a new chance to make old things right or new things come about in our lives. Do we learn from bad choices and consequences, or do we continue on the wrong path? Do we blame others? Do we face our choices head on and admit to ourselves and others that we need help? Do we work hard to go in a new direction and leave the old behind? These are all questions that we must answer. It's time to take responsibility for our own lives and work hard to get them on track. Life is short and we all know it's not fair, but we hold the future, so to speak, in our own hands.

Whether or not you accept the fact, there is a Higher Being who loves us and is waiting for us to ask for help. No matter what name you may assign to Him, it makes no difference for He is one and the same. He is a perfect gentleman and will never come uninvited into any situation. I have seen first hand His hand in my own life. No situation is too big or too small for Him. He is always with you through good and bad situations, loving, and caring for us, never leaving us.

Some may find this offensive and that's OK. As I said life is full of choices, so you can choose to like this or not. Either way, we will go on being who we are and doing what we are about in life. I am this day making a choice to stop letting the past rule my life and step out into the brand new day that is in front of me. I'll be honest here, I need help, I can't do this on my own. We each have our own set of demons, if you will, that haunt us from those past choices and their consequences. Only we can make the choice to stand up to them and stop giving them power in our lives.

I hope that you will do the same. I am here to help you in any way I can. I'll listen. I'll pray. I'll cry and laugh with you. If you want me to I will offer you suggestions that might help. There are other people in your lives that I am sure would do the same for you. Be blessed.

Julie (written July 18, 2011)

Today is the eighth anniversary of the death of my big sister, Julie. So many questions still swirl around in my mind. What exactly happened? I still have no closure since I don't know what happened.
July 3, 2003. Summer School had just ended and as I knew she would Julie called to ask me how things had gone. She and Daddy always remembered things like that and checked in with me. She was excited about the new place she and Damon were moving into and wanted me to come and stay. "Bring Karly and stay with me. I have the guest room all ready for you" My thoughts were there was no way I could take my Karly into the house with her two dogs and two cats. Karly would freakout!!! I wasn't ready to do anything yet, I wanted a break now that summer was here for me. I also didn't want to drive on July 4. So I told her soon. That was the last time I talked to her.
July 5, 2003. Mother called that afternoon to tell me Julie had fallen down the stairs at her house and had called Mother for help. Mother said," What am I supposed to do, wheel up the street in my wheelchair?" Julie gave her two phone numbers to call people to come and help her. Apparently both people showed up and took Julie to South Barry County Hospital. It gets fuzzy here in the telling of the story. She had it seems three broken bones two of one and one of the other. Ribs and toes are all I know. Hospital sees her and releases her with medication and she goes back to the house where she was alone. Damon, who is a nurse as well, was on a traveling nurse assignment on the other side of the state. Julie and he had been taking traveling assignments and nursing all over the country since their marriage. That is until Daddy became so ill and I needed my big sister to help with our parents. Julie had been having some more health issues and was not able to take another assignment yet, so she had stayed behind in Cassville.
July 6, 2003. The woman from the church who had helped Julie the day before had said she would make sure that Julie was ok and had meals. She had stopped by and found Julie in her night gown, which was on wrong side out and backward, speaking nonsence basically. She said Julie was talking out of her head. There was a frying pan in the middle of the kitchen floor. She called Damon, who said to have an ambulance take Julie to St. John's hospital in Springfield. He would be in Springfield as quickly as he could make arrangements with the hospital where he was working. Julie is admitted to St. John's Springfield.
July 7, 2003. Julie seemed to be making better sence when speaking. Damon had not eaten and was probably exhausted. He told Julie he was going to go across the street and get a Subway sandwich. She told him to go she would be fine. As he was leaving a nurse was going into Julie's room to check vitals. He was gone for not a long time, but when he returned he found Julie's room full of staff. She had been found in respitory arrest. She was blue around her mouth. They put her on a ventilatior. She was in a coma from that point on. He was told there were two types of brain damage present after tests were run, but the neurologist said her prognosis was good.
July 8, 2003. Damon calls me and asks me to come to the hospital. Honestly, I didn't believe it was bad. Julie had become a hypocrondiac like our Grandmother Mathews. She was constantly telling April and I about some illness that was going to kill her, yet she quickly seemed to forget that illness and talk of another. I took my time going to Springfield. I even went to Walmart and got my ears pierced for the third time on each lobe to be ornery to Julie. When i walked back into the ICU room she was in, I really expected her to sit up and say, "Hi Sissy!" What I saw, well it was shocking. Her eyes were partly open, but she wasn't there. I called April and Kent. I told them it's real, you need to come as quicky as you can.
The next few days I would travel to Springfield each day and spend hours at the hospital.
It was the weekend when we finally got different news. Everyday we were told that she would make a full recovery by the neurologist. The weekend doctor told us a different story. He said the outlook was very grim, that she would never be the same, if, she ever came out of her coma.
Julie being the nurse that she was had a four page advanced directive. It was very specific as to her wishes. She didn't want to be kept alive on life support. Even though the people she had listed as the decision makers were Damon, April, and Kent, they all agreed I should have a voice too. We sat down as a family and talked about what Julie would want. The very hard conclusion was that we had to let her go, it was what she wanted.
July 15, 2003. The day that we had decided to let her go. I went in and talked to her for a very long time. Julie had always looked at me as a competitor, I don't know really know why because she had so much more than I did, but for some reason she did. I tried my best to kick in her competive nature with me. I said, "Are you really gonna just give up and let me win? I'm gonna be the one to see Lily grow up. I'm gonna be the one to see April get married. I'm gonna be the one who will always be here for them. Is that what you want Julie? Are you just giving up?" I sobbed. I couldn't believe this was happening. It hadn't even been 18 months yet since we lost Daddy. I told her how much it meant to me that we had been with Daddy at the very end. How proud I was of her. I talked and talked. At 6 pm, with a waiting room full of friends and family, the ventilator was disconnected. Julie began breathing on her own. She was determined I guess to show us one last time she was a strong willed woman!
July 18, 2003. April had been staying with Julie in the hospital room that evening until Damon got back from Cassville. Kent had called her and said come with us to Chuckie Cheeses. We are gonna take Lily. I spoke to Damon and he is already around Monett. She won't be alone for long. So April went. While she was alone, just that short amount of time, Julie died. I don't know if April has ever forgiven herself for leaving her alone, but knowing Julie, she held on until April was gone.
That's why to this day I have so many questions about what happened.

How I Feel About the New Law

Today I became aware that the" dreaded" law had come into effect, the one saying a teacher and student could not be facebook friends or follow each other on twitter or any other social networking web site. I began to cry, it made me so angry. I am a teacher. I was called by God to teach. I love my students, but not in a weird or bad way. I see them for the unique individuals that they are, so full of potential, regardless of what the world may tell them. I teach special education, it's my calling in life. It's a whole different world then a "regular" classroom. There has to be a certain level of trust in that environment. In my classroom I have always had an open door policy with "my kids" and their parents. I want the students to know I am not only there to teach them, but to support them, to listen to them, to help them in any way I can. I would never judge them for the personal choices they made. They could talk to me and not worry that I was gonna tattle on them if they needed to vent to me about a situation they found grossly unfair. I encouraged them to be open and honest with me. We could discuss things, with the understanding that I would report anything that was harmful or illegal that they might be involved in, such as abuse.
Now I feel like I have to slam shut a door that I promised would always be open because the law now states that it is improper for a teacher and student to have the ability to speak in a private manner. I realize that there is a fine line that can be crossed in which the student looks at the teacher as not an authority figure but as a friend instead. I know the difference between the two roles and I work hard to keep that clear always. There is not one thing wrong with being an adult friend to a student under the age of 18. I never made it a secret to parents that I was telling their child that I would always be there for them even after I was no longer their teacher. I am in fact friends on facebook with many of my former and current parents of the children/students I work with in the public school system. Not long ago, we were encouraged to be an adult friend to a group of students in our schools. Advisory groups were designed so that each student had a specific teacher to turn to as a friend. To encourage the students to feel in a way safe, like they always had someone to talk to about stuff that might be bothering them or upsetting them. Hmmm...
Stay tuned because I am quite sure I will write more as this goes along.

Admitting When You Are Wrong

I will be the first one to tell you I am far from perfect. Further, when I make a mistake, when I am wrong I will admit it. Recently I wrote a note going on and on about how angry the new law about teachers and social networking sites had made me. I have since that writing discovered that I like everyone else was misinformed. I would like to do what I can to set the record straight.
I have never met Amy, but April has. My neice April and Amy are good friends. They spend quality time with each other several times a week. When I went to visit my family in Columbia, April would educate me on how wrong I really was. Amy purposed this law with the purest of motives and heart. It seems that while in the 7th grade an art teacher took advantage of her. She felt powerless and all alone. The teacher was not purnished, but allothowed to obtain a different position in another school and repeat his abuse more than once. Amy lived with this for many years and she felt like she had to do something, to protect those students who really had no other voice, who might be feeling helpless and alone.
The law as she proposed it had nothing about social media networks. The spirit of the law was to come up with a system that insured that a teacher who committed such an act with a student would not be able to obtain another position where he or she might repeat the crime. It was a politician who added that very small part of the law that has actually taken on a life of it's own. The media took that very small added piece of the law and blew it hugely out of proportion. The law was to protect students from preditors, not to cut off relationships between students and teachers.
The sad part, in my opinion is that this woman has received death threats. She has been dragged through the mud. It makes me very sad.
I was wrong. I admit it publically. I ask Amy to please forgive my lack of understand and patience to learn the true nature of this law. We all need a little help from our friends, some more than others. Thank you for caring so much and doing what really is a wonderful, unselfish way to protect our students

Bullies, In My Opinion

Bullies. We have all met at least one in our lives. At one time or another, we may have even been one. A bully can be a person you know or someone you have never met. They come in all shapes, sizes, colors, religions, ages, socio-economic status ,and may be either male or female.
A bully is a person, who desires to make another person feel badly about his/herself. He enjoy tearing a person down, especially when an audience is present. She delights in the torment of another person. The power that is felt is intoxicating and honestly it's all about having that power. Bullies have deep reaching issues in their own lives most generally, something that makes them lash out at another person whom they perceive as weak. It helps them to escape, if you will, for a time from self. As long as they are thinking about the other person, the focus is off of self.
A bully has many tools in his "toolbox" that he will pull out at varies times and places. Embarassment is a favorite! Shame is another. The tears are a huge bonus. Anything is fair game, even if it's very personal. Place and opportunity are key to the bully. Sometimes planning makes the event even more pleasurable to our bully.
A bully used to have to be in the same place as the victim, but no longer. Thanks to electronic technology, a bully can even be in an entirely different country. Cyber bullying is a growing concern. Most people have a cell phone, a computer, some way to receive the latest information on the flavor of the moment for the bully. The more people that can be drawn in the better.
For some, the relief of not being 'picked on" makes the joke even funnier. Which is very sad. The bully loves to have her ego stroked by the audience, who are all relieved to not be the object of her scorn. Most of us are too afraid of the tables being turned on us to stand up for the person being bullied. That would essentially put that bullseye right onto our own back, and no one wants that.
Honestly, a bully is someone who feels so badly about himself, that he makes fun of someone else in order to boost his feelings of not measuring up. She wants to be the center of attention and doesn't know how to go about something in a positive way. The bully really is very insecure.
I was bullied as a child, a teenager, and even as an adult. I was the first person to get glasses in my class at school, so i was' four eye's. I got braces in middle school, so i had something else new and different. I got to be' metal mouth'. I have always been short, so 'shorty'. My weight has always been a struggle, so' fatty'. I know what it feels like to be laughed at and teased. Having everyone look at you is horrible, but it's not the end of the world.
The way to stop a bully is very simple really. Laugh along. Yes, that is right. When you are made the butt of his joke, laugh long and loud. Maybe even say something to affirm her humor. Don't let your hurt and anger show. Save your tears for a time you are all alone. Never let them see a weakness. It's no fun when the intended victim is not being a victim. The power is gone. One more thing, don't walk away from a bully with your head down. Look straight ahead, head held high, maybe even shaking your head and laughing at what just happened to make it appear that you enjoyed it. The huge drawback here is while the current victim is then let off the hook, another will soon be found and the cycle will start again.
If you ever are a part of the crowd and a bully is targeting someone else, be a hero, stand up and don't laugh along. Even though it may not seem like the popular thing to do, tell the bully that you don't find she is doing right. You may be surprised that when you take that step out on that limb that others may join you. They were just not brave enough to make the first step alone. In my opinon, the only way to stop the bully permanently is to get to know the real person. Talk, share, take chances and risks, but find out the true story if at all possible. Spend time and energy. Don't give up. We all deserve a chance to change and grow. Together, we can stop bullies.

Standing Up For What Is Right

Have you ever believed in something, something important, life changing, and maybe unpopular? What did you do in that moment? Did you share your thoughts and beliefs with others or did you sit quietly and say nothing? Did you make your thoughts known or were you afraid of offending other people? Were you afraid of "rocking the boat" so you stuffed your thoughts and feelings deep inside yourself so no one would have any idea what you were thinking?
I have been guilty many times of being so excited about something, but too afraid to open my mouth and say anything. I was worried that people would not like me anymore, would judge me, would treat me differently. I was afraid. I stood by and said nothing when I should have said what was on my mind and in my heart. I let the opinions of other people get in my way. Oh my gosh if I speak up, if they find out that is how I really feel, they might not like me anymore. That is so wrong!!!
I have heard people say things that are not true about other people, places, and/or events and I have kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to make anyone mad at me. I was wrong to do that. I should have stopped them and said you are mistaken or misinformed. Something, anything would have been better than just swallowing my words. By not saying anything, I made myself guilty of not being true to myself.
We should stand up for what we think is good and right no matter what anyone else thinks. Everyone is intitled to his/her own opinion and just because mine doesn't match your's doesn't make either one of us wrong. It simply means we don't agree, which really is ok. Even the closest of friends will not agree on every single thing in life. By standing up, by making that stand you are simply saying this is how I feel about whatever topic is at hand. Standing up for what is good and right in your opinion is a good thing. It's a healthy thing. It shows that you have thoughts and feelings outside your own bubble.
Don't be afraid to take that stand. You will find when you come out supporting a given person or cause that others feel the same way as you. Your family and closest friends may not agree, but that is okay. You are allowed to have your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. No one has the right to keep you from expressing them either. Take a stand! Be bold and courageous! Don't be afraid! It may not be easy or popular, but who cares! You are entitled to you own opinion!

Who's Side Are You On Anyway???

Facebook has done it again! Why must they make constant changes to things that are not broken? Have the powers that be have not ever heard of the saying, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it"? Posts have been flying like crazy full of rants and complaints. It's been the topic of many conversations. I am even betting that screaming, yelling, maybe even throwing things have happened as well. What good has any of that done? I mean really, did you feel better after you had done all of that? Was the problem fixed?
This same thing could be said of any number of things going on in the world right now. Something in the news sparks off a volley of rants, raves, and complaints, yet nothing changes. How do we change what we don't like? Do we just continue to scream, cry, and yell a lot? Stomp our feet? Throw ourselves down on the ground? Well, let's hope none of those things.
When you don't like something or you want something or someone to change then take that stand. Don't support that person, business, or event anymore or at least for a time. Don't show up. Don't shop. Don't support. What??? You mean you want me to stop doing (filling in the blank here is your job) for a day, a week, a month, a year??? Are you out of your mind? Nope, taking a stand. If enough people would do that it would make a huge difference. You don't like what facebook is doing, then don't sign in for a week. Don't support them. OMG, what would I do with my time if I'm not on facebook??? Well, you had a life before facebook, what did you do then? You could pick up the phone and call someone. You could write them a letter, longhand. You could read. Watch TV or a movie. You could play with your children. Cook, clean, practice a hobby you have not thought of in a long time. Go out. I could go on and on here.
I was invited by a very good and wise friend, who birthed this idea. So I am giving up facebook for the following week. For the next 7 days I will not be here to chat with, to play games with, or to catch up on all your news. I don't like the changes to Facebook, so I am taking a stand. I'm inviting you to do the same. The only way to bring about change is to take a stand. I'll miss my friends here on facebook and i'll miss my games, but i have things i need to do with my time. If you want something to change, then show them you mean business

Friends

I am blessed. I'm not bragging, but merely stating a fact. I'm blessed. I have been blessed to meet people from around not only the country here in the US, but around the world. People whom I would never have known had it not been for the internet and a venue such as facebook. Some of the people whom I consider close friends now have not yet even been in the same room as I, and yet, I know they would support me, pray for me, listen to me, talk to me, the list goes on and on.
I'm not stupid. I know that many people lie. There are those, who will tell a person anything they think the other person wants/needs to hear, pretending to care. I know some of those people. We all do. I know that sometimes a person thinks they are helping a friend by telling a "little white lie". A slight mistruth, as to not hurt the feelings of the "friend", but still let's call it what it really is, a lie. Have I been lied to and mislead? Of course I have, I'm not immune or special that it has not happened to me. Have I been hurt? To this I say a resounding YES! I tend to believe the best in people when I know I should guard my heart more than I do. I am a sensitive soul that is for sure.
I have learned much from my friends and those who pretended to be friends. For this, I am grateful. I believe we are always growing and learning. Any lesson, whether the outcome is good or bad, is a lesson learned and needed. I grow each time. Hopefully, I do not require a repeat lesson, but at times I must admit, I do. Even while I am crying the hot, bitter tears of regret, I am still better from having had the experience, as odd as that may seem to some.
I hope that many will read this note because within it I am sharing a piece of my heart. I hope to be a friend for all seasons. I know that people come into our lives at different points. Some come for a short time. Others come and stay. I want to the friend that you know no matter what, I will be there for you. In good times and in bad times, I'm there whether it be in person or in spirit. I will make mistakes. I will hurt feelings. There may come a time when I have to say no to you, but only for a very good reason. I want to be someone you know you can count on no matter what. Will I fail sometimes? Unfortunately, yes, I will. But not because I don't care or I lied to you, but because it was beyond my control. This is a promise I can make and guarantee that I will never break. I will never ask you to do anything for me that I myself would not do for you. Please know that I love my friends. And thank you. Thank you for being in my life and for allowing me to share in your's.

Tears

Tears fall on my pillow each night
wetting the surface
soaking my hair.
Tears fall because i long to be with you
to feel your arms
to know you are here.
Tears fall until i sleep
and throughout my dreams.

Where

Where did you run to?
Where have you gone?
Where are you hiding?
Where will i find you?
Where are you?
Come back from where you are

Missing You

I
I am
I am missing
I am missing you
I am missing you so
I am missing you so much
I am missing you so much it
I am missing you so much it hurts

Here Is Where I Am

Here is where I am
and here is where i'll be
when you decide to come to me.
Here is where I am
and here is where i'll be
until the day you send for me.
Here is where I am
and here is where I'll be
waiting for you to want me.
Here is very lonely.

the world you live in

the world you live in is not like mine.
i live in reality, you live your lies.
where you are the victim
and i am partially to blame,
for all that goes wrong with your perfect plans.
it's never your fault.
you are never to blame.
and if anyone should point the finger back at you,
you turn to more lies and excuses.
the world you live in is not like mine.
i don't want to be a part of anymore of your lies.

Fear

afraid of my shadow, the noise in the night,
someday afraid to get out of bed.
afraid of the neighbors, and the people at the store,
i want to hide myself away.
afraid of the judgment in each passing glance,
the disapproval in their faces.
afraid to be alone, yet afraid to take a chance,
afraid of what is in the dark be it in the house or in his heart

feelings

don't say another word, never speak again
who would care when no one is listening anyway.
dig the hole and dig it deep,
climb inside and bury me
who would care when no one sees me anyway

questions

where have you gone?
did you mean one word you said?
are you coming back?
was it all a game?
have you laughed at my expense?
who are you really?
what did you gain?
when you decide to go away?
why me?
which lie was your favorite?
does it feel good knowing what you have done?
do you brag to your friends?
were you ever honest with me?
has there been a moment of regret?
had i been different would you have done what you did?
is this the end

for you

my heart breaks when i think of all you are going through,
the pain you feel,
the feeling you have been abandoned.
i have not left,
i am still here.
my heart breaks knowing i have nothing to give, but my love,
my prayers,
my thoughts,
and my tears.
i have not left,
i am still here.

gone

each day that u r gone, my heart breaks more.
i long to hear your voice on my phone telling me u r ok.
i feel so helpless and afraid.
i have not forgotten.
i never will.

why

why did u say u would?
why did u change your mind?
why make us suffer?
why give us hope?
why did u say it if u didn't mean it at all?
why?

cold, silent, alone

cold, silent, alone
chilled to the bone with no one to warm me
totally silent with no one to talk to me
utterly alone

truth

do we really know the truth or only lies?
who tells the truth and who just lies?
how will we discover the truth though all the lies?
i choose to seek the truth no matter how long it takes.
i choose the truth no matter how hard it is to find.
stand with me for the truth

don't go

please don't leave me again, don't go
please stay for awhile, don't go
please fight to stay, don't go
i can't stand the thought of you leaving again, don't go
i miss you so much, don't go
i love you so much, don't go
fight to be free, don't go

nearly a year

you lied to me
you said a little more than three weeks
it's been nearly a year.
you said you cared
you said i was special
you said you were coming back, yet
it's been nearly a year.
you said you would help
you said i was worth it
it's been nearly a year
and my heart is still waiting
my heart is still hurting.