longing for something that is out of reach
hoping for a break
wishing for a quick and easy answer
waiting for it all to end
praying for truth

no goodbye, no warning,
promise of return,
turned out to be a lie.
do you ever even think of me?
or was i just someone who is not important?
i still think of you and hope you return,

alone

love songs playing in the background
all alone again on a friday night
longing for someone to love me
dreaming of a perfect life
all i want is my happy ending
longing to give my love
tears will put me to sleep again
where i'll dream up my fairy tale
only to wake in the morning alone

what is real?

what is real?
what is fake?
who is right?
who is wrong?
pulled in a thousand different direction.
someone disappointed in me again
what is the truth?
what is a lie?
confusion is all i find

confusion

what to do? where to turn? who to listen to?
my mind is a jumble of choices people think i should make.
stay. leave. run away.
all i feel is confused and more alone.

frustrated

it frustrates me when things don't go according to plan,
it frustrates me when you say you will and then you don't
it frustrates me when i try to do something and can't get it to work right
it frustrates me when i am frustrated.

you

you say you can't, but really you just won't.
you demand things done, but you won't lift a finger.
you make excuses, but they are not even good ones.
you are full of big talk, but that's all it is big talk.
you look them in the face, and you lie.
you make me sad, but you don't even care.

once beautiful

once upon a time i was beautiful.
the world was a place i didn't fear.
always secrets, but just for home.

then he made me ugly.
he took away everything.
more secrets, but these better never be told.

once upon a time i was beautiful, but not anymore.

unnamed as of yet

beaten, but never knocked down
broken, but not beyond repair
used, but getting better everyday
broken hearted, but healing
scarred, but finding peace

faithful to her dying day
loving to her very core
beautiful inside and out
always a fighter
never defeated

he

he comes to me for help, but all i did was make it worse.
he comes to me for comfort, but all i did was make him feel like dirt.
he comes to me for support, but my support was all wrong.
he comes to me hurting, but all i did was hurt him more.

lost

i feel lost, like i have lost my best friend;
                        got seperated from my parent at the mall;
                        my dog ran away;
                       have lost my memory.
i feel lost and all alone.

the tunnel

is there a light at the end of this long dark tunnel i find myself in?
it seems like it has been so long since i have seen the light of day.
i feel lost and alone, trapped, who will come to my aid?
then the still small voice inside says you can do it, have faith.
so with one small step forward at a time i will continue until i see the light .

untitled

deep dark hole filled with despair
falling endlessly
nothing to grab
will this feeling ever end

frustration

when will it stop?
when will it get better?
how long do i have to wait?
what did i do to deserve this?
what can i do to help myself?
why is this happening?
where will my help come from?

letting my frustrations get the best of me

the choice

each day we are faced with a series of choices, both good and bad. 
which choice will you make?
eat just enough or way too much?
drink in excess or not at all?
say no to drugs or become an addict?
have an affair or stay faithful to your spouse?
hope things will get better or lie, cheat, and steal?
will you give up and take your life, or will you ask for help?
who will you choose God or the devil?
all these choices are your's and only you can decide the path you will take.

my choice is God.

The Day I Will Refer to as February 14th

For some a day of love, hugs and kisses,
gifts, special dinners, intimate time together.
For others a day of longing and sadness, of
feeling all alone and  unloved.
For me i will call it the same as any other day. 
This year a Tuesday.  It was sunny.
Nothing special, no different than any other Tuesday.

a rant

This is just a  rant to make me hopefully feel calm enough to sleep.  How can that person look himself in the mirror knowing what he did and not feel a thing?  How can he act as if life is the same?  He changed the course of not only his life, but other people's as well.  He is so casual in his words.  So carefree.  I fight hard to not be vengeful and expose him to the world, but it's not my place.  I am not the judge or the jury.  I am just one of the wounded by association.  It angers me, so much, a hot burning anger within me.  How many other women will he hurt?  How many more lies will he tell? 

This is my prayer.  Father God, please hear me and take this all from me.  I am too weak to hold onto this, but You, You are strong.  Forgive my anger and heal my heart.  Send forth your healing to the one whom has been hurt the most.  Hold her close and comfort her, especially these next few weeks and months.  Use me please to love and support.  I speak my forgiveness to him.  I place him in Your hands for justice and healing.  Please take this care from me I don't want it any longer.  Help me to be tolerant and keep my mouth shut.  I love and praise You.  I trust You as I trust no one else.

AMEN

anger

anger is what i feel when i see your name, words, or face
knowing what you did, makes me see red.
how can you stand and say what you do when you treated something/someone so precious, in such a horrible way?
it hurts my heart, it hurts my soul, to know that to you it's as if nothing ever happened.
God forgive me and take away this feeling of anger.  You are his judge not I.

me

no one sees the pain i feel
no one sees the world spinning through my eyes
no one feels as out of control as i do
no one understands how helpless i feel
afraid to move
afraid to speak
afraid to be real
terrified is how i feel
fix me please, i'm broken
i want to be whole again

where r u

what happened?
what did i do wrong?
are you alive, or hurt, or dead?
was everything you said a lie?
were we never really friends?
everyday i ask myself. . . where r u?

Confusion

i try to make sense of what is going on, but all i find is confusion.
i try to hear what you are saying, but all i hear is confusion.
i try to see the big picture, but all i see is confusion.
help me understand, take my hand and lead me out of this confusion.

the long hall

the hall is long and dark with many closed doors as we walk
each door we may open of our own free will, but what will we do with what we find?
pride, greed, fear, sexual immorality, gluttony, lies, anger.
but one door, it will be opened for you and you will be escorted inside and given a chance to decide.
one gentleman among the demons who lead us astray.

while the other rooms are dark and quite creepy, this room is light and airy, not too hot, but not too cool
how could i not make the choice that makes sense.

i will choose life

perfect

what's it's like to be perfect, to never make one mistake?
to never worry that someone will not approve?
to do it right the first time?

what's it's like to breeze through everything?
to make people fear you? to seek your approval?

don't you remember when you walk a mile in the same shoes as the rest of us?

Maddy

what a life, in the middle of my queensize bed surrounded by blankets and pillows plus her favorite toy.  she's also in her favorite spot laying right beside where her mommy (me) lies.  wouldn't trade her for the world

sweet face

this sweet face belongs to my very own precious baby, Maddy.  She is a bit shy, but my love.

always (Maddy)

Maddy
sweet smile
wagging tail
unconditional love
sweet baby
always forgiving
never lets me down.

I love you Maddy

always

always
faithful and true
unconditional love
never angry
always glad to see my face
happiness really is found in two warm puppies.

Maddy and Shay the two who I can always count on. 

always (Shay)

always
never mad
glad to see me
no matter how long i'm away
the first to greet me
the one who never lets me down
the is unconditional love.

Shaly

confused

is it right that i am confused or is it wrong?
who is right?  we can't both be right as we don't agree.
i can see valid points in what you share, but I know what I know as well.
why won't you ever listen?
 why do you just assume that everything you think, and feel is right?
do i really have to start at zero or can we find some common ground?
i don't wanna miss the boat, the narrow path, that narrow gate.
please don't be angry when i cry.